What I've learned at 5 months

I am now five months old. A wise and worldly girl. Here are some things I’ve learned in my lifetime:

1. Pugs don’t need two eyes. Pug eyes are like kidneys. God gives ‘em two, but they can get by with one just fine.



2. Mommy is much nicer after a glass of wine. Before the wine, Mommy holds me on her hip and clomps around the house at about 60 miles per hour, using one hand to grab dirty laundry and throw it into the washing machine (she can also measure & pour liquid Purex with one hand into the wash); feed Spanky Mae her pug dinner; whip up dinner for herself and Daddy; and make me a bottle and/or oatmeal (not Quaker Oats). After the wine, Mommy sits on the couch and holds me in her lap. She doesn’t even mind when I tip the wine over if I reach for it while I’m on her lap. It’s like I have two mommies in one!
   
3. Crib soothers that play heartbeat noises work on daddies, too. When I was little and I cried a lot, Daddy would play heartbeat noises and set me in my crib. Then he’d lay on the floor in my room in case I cried and he had to get up again. Then Mommy would wake up at 2 in the morning and notice that Daddy wasn’t in their bed. She’d come to check on me and find Daddy balled up in the fetal position on the floor. Fast asleep with the heartbeat noises.


4. Fisher-Price makes great tunes. I figured out that when I yank on this one toy that dangles from my bouncey seat, it goes do-do-do do-dee-do-do do dee-do-do-do-do. I like to hear it over and over and over again. I never tire of it. Daddy said he wants to throw my bouncey seat through the window. I guess the music is so good that he wants to share it with our neighbors. That is so nice of Daddy!



5. After Spanky Mae licks your face, your mommy has to rub Purell antibacterial hand cleaner all over you and you smell like rubbing alcohol for a few minutes.


6. When you make spit bubbles while you have cereal (not Frosted Flakes) in your mouth, the cereal flies out all over the kitchen. And into Mommy’s lap and hair.


7. Pug toys look an awful lot like Allie toys.


8. Bath time is the best time because you get to inhale a bunch of air into your tummy and make it look bloated and then stare at it. If your Mommy puts your bathtub on the counter in the bathroom, then you also get to stare at yourself in the mirror and smile at yourself. You also get to kick and splash so that the water sloshes out of the bathtub and onto the carpeted bathroom floor. (Really. Who ever heard of putting carpet in a bathroom anyway. Yuck.)




9. People and pugs have lots of names. Here are all the names for me: Allie Pie, Allie Bear, Tooter Bug, Tooter Bear, Tootie Pie, Pieface, Pie Pie, The Face, Allie Bom Bom (this is what Miss Lucy, my teacher at school, calls me). Here are all the names for Spanky Mae: Spankles McFinklestein, Spankers, Spankers Crackers, Spankers Biscuit, Thpanky, Spankus, Spankus McClanahan.
   
10. Aunt Sandi doesn’t like crying. She gets scared that I’m going to break or something if I have to let out a little wail. Then she hands me back to Mommy or Daddy.