Roughin' It

This weekend I went camping for the very first time. Camping is fun! If you haven’t ever been before, here’s how camping works:

1. First your mommy has to pack for you. Here’s what you pack: 2 full gallons of Nursery Water for your bottles; 6 breakable glass bottles (not plastic ones because plastic will mess with my endocrine system and turn me into a boy); 1 Costco-size can of Enfamil; 4 footsie jammies; 4 to 5 suits (or onesies, as some call them), in case I spit up on one; 4 pairs of white bobby socks; one 86-count package of Pampers; two containers of 92-count baby wipes (in case Mommy loses one); and 3 blankets (different weights and sizes, depending on how hot or cold it gets in the camper, or in case I spit up on one). Then your mommy has to pack for herself and daddy for himself.
2. Next, your daddy tells your mommy that Spanky Mae can’t stay in the camper because Grandma Ida would not want pug fur all over the camper and your mommy tells your daddy that Spanky Mae can’t stay outside the camper all night because she’s an inside dog. Then your mommy says “Why didn’t you talk to Grandma Ida about Spanky Mae like I asked you to?” And your Daddy says it doesn’t help matters to remind him that he forgot to ask his mother about Spanky Mae staying in the camper. Then mommy gets teary-eyed when Daddy says Spanky Mae can stay by herself in the house for eight hours while the rest of the family goes camping 10 minutes from the house. Then your mommy starts thinking about all the pug tee-tee and all the pug poo-poo that daddy is going to have to clean up when you get home.
3. After that, your mommy pouts and your daddy doesn’t talk all the way to the campsite, 10 minutes from your house.
4. Meanwhile, your Grandma Ida and Grandpa Gary drive their camper from Wichita, Kansas, to Lake Grapevine and park it near the water. After Grandma Ida and Grandpa Gary hold me and kiss my cheeks and pinch my baby thighs, we pile into the truck and drive to Little Pete’s restaurant on the marina and eat dinner while one band plays ’80s cover music outside and a group of drunk people sing trashy Dixie Chicks music on the karaoke machine inside.
5. After dinner, you go back to the camper and watch Hurricane Ike news coverage on the flat screen TV. If you want, you can even watch Hurricane Ike news coverage on the flat screen TV that’s in the camper’s master bedroom. It’s just like watching Hurricane Ike news coverage at home!
6. Then everyone takes turns going to the bathroom in the camper. Everyone changes into their jammies and brushes their teeth while trying not to elbow other family members.
7. Next, Mommy and Daddy put you in bed between them. Grandpa Gary starts snoring from the camper’s front room. Then you start howling, because it’s three hours past your normal bedtime, and you don’t know where the heck you are, and why are your mommy and daddy in bed with you?!
8. Finally, it’s time to wake up. Everyone goes potty in the tiny camper bathroom. But if the boys have to poo-poo, they are not allowed to use the camper potty. They have to put on their pants and shoes and walk to the main campsite bathroom so they don’t stink up the camper. Girls can poo-poo in the camper because their poo-poo smells like roses.
9. Mommy tells Daddy to hurry so you can drive back home and let Spanky Mae go tee-tee and poo-poo and feed her her pug breakfast.
10. After you take care of Spanky Mae, you drive back to the campsite just in time for the rain to start. Then you sit in the camper and watch the windows fog up because Tropical Storm Ike is hitting the Dallas-Fort Worth Metroplex.
11. Then, your mommy gets worried that you might be sick, so you all go home and watch Tropical Storm Ike coverage from your flat-screen TV in the living room. Or the one in the bedroom if you want.