This post brought to you by the letter “S”

I am a big fan of story time. And Sesame Street. Tonight, I got the best of both worlds when Mommy read me a Sesame Street tome called “Bubbles, Bubbles.” For all you other mommies and daddies out there, you can find this volume in the “Sesame Beginnings” set of four board books, which also includes classics such as “At the Zoo,” “Eyes, Nose, Fingers & Toes” and “Nighty Night.”

But back to “Bubbles, Bubbles.” Mommy didn’t know that the seemingly innocuous Muppets were so, how do you say… “friendly” with one another.

The book begins innocently enough, with Ernie, Bert, Cookie Monster and Elmo taking baths, individually, and commenting on all the soap bubbles. But by the end, it’s pure debauchery with the four men all in the tub together.

Mommy said the only person missing from the scene was Roger*, the realtor who sold Mommy and Daddy our lovely estate in FloMo. Roger and his wife, Betty*, had what one might call an “open relationship.” They were both realtors, and Roger was the one in the pair who drove potential buyers to homes for sale.

Roger judged the value of each house by the number of people that could fit in the shower stall or bathtub. If more than two people could not fit in a particular shower or bath, it was crossed off the list… unless, of course, there was a hot tub in the pool, in which case the home’s value could potentially go up, as long as there was plenty of privacy surrounding said hot tub.

I guess Roger liked lots of things in his tub. All I need for a good bath is a rubber ducky.

* “Roger” and “Betty” are not their real names. The realtors’ identities have been changed for their protection.

Roughin' It

This weekend I went camping for the very first time. Camping is fun! If you haven’t ever been before, here’s how camping works:

1. First your mommy has to pack for you. Here’s what you pack: 2 full gallons of Nursery Water for your bottles; 6 breakable glass bottles (not plastic ones because plastic will mess with my endocrine system and turn me into a boy); 1 Costco-size can of Enfamil; 4 footsie jammies; 4 to 5 suits (or onesies, as some call them), in case I spit up on one; 4 pairs of white bobby socks; one 86-count package of Pampers; two containers of 92-count baby wipes (in case Mommy loses one); and 3 blankets (different weights and sizes, depending on how hot or cold it gets in the camper, or in case I spit up on one). Then your mommy has to pack for herself and daddy for himself.
2. Next, your daddy tells your mommy that Spanky Mae can’t stay in the camper because Grandma Ida would not want pug fur all over the camper and your mommy tells your daddy that Spanky Mae can’t stay outside the camper all night because she’s an inside dog. Then your mommy says “Why didn’t you talk to Grandma Ida about Spanky Mae like I asked you to?” And your Daddy says it doesn’t help matters to remind him that he forgot to ask his mother about Spanky Mae staying in the camper. Then mommy gets teary-eyed when Daddy says Spanky Mae can stay by herself in the house for eight hours while the rest of the family goes camping 10 minutes from the house. Then your mommy starts thinking about all the pug tee-tee and all the pug poo-poo that daddy is going to have to clean up when you get home.
3. After that, your mommy pouts and your daddy doesn’t talk all the way to the campsite, 10 minutes from your house.
4. Meanwhile, your Grandma Ida and Grandpa Gary drive their camper from Wichita, Kansas, to Lake Grapevine and park it near the water. After Grandma Ida and Grandpa Gary hold me and kiss my cheeks and pinch my baby thighs, we pile into the truck and drive to Little Pete’s restaurant on the marina and eat dinner while one band plays ’80s cover music outside and a group of drunk people sing trashy Dixie Chicks music on the karaoke machine inside.
5. After dinner, you go back to the camper and watch Hurricane Ike news coverage on the flat screen TV. If you want, you can even watch Hurricane Ike news coverage on the flat screen TV that’s in the camper’s master bedroom. It’s just like watching Hurricane Ike news coverage at home!
6. Then everyone takes turns going to the bathroom in the camper. Everyone changes into their jammies and brushes their teeth while trying not to elbow other family members.
7. Next, Mommy and Daddy put you in bed between them. Grandpa Gary starts snoring from the camper’s front room. Then you start howling, because it’s three hours past your normal bedtime, and you don’t know where the heck you are, and why are your mommy and daddy in bed with you?!
8. Finally, it’s time to wake up. Everyone goes potty in the tiny camper bathroom. But if the boys have to poo-poo, they are not allowed to use the camper potty. They have to put on their pants and shoes and walk to the main campsite bathroom so they don’t stink up the camper. Girls can poo-poo in the camper because their poo-poo smells like roses.
9. Mommy tells Daddy to hurry so you can drive back home and let Spanky Mae go tee-tee and poo-poo and feed her her pug breakfast.
10. After you take care of Spanky Mae, you drive back to the campsite just in time for the rain to start. Then you sit in the camper and watch the windows fog up because Tropical Storm Ike is hitting the Dallas-Fort Worth Metroplex.
11. Then, your mommy gets worried that you might be sick, so you all go home and watch Tropical Storm Ike coverage from your flat-screen TV in the living room. Or the one in the bedroom if you want.

What I've learned at 5 months

I am now five months old. A wise and worldly girl. Here are some things I’ve learned in my lifetime:

1. Pugs don’t need two eyes. Pug eyes are like kidneys. God gives ‘em two, but they can get by with one just fine.



2. Mommy is much nicer after a glass of wine. Before the wine, Mommy holds me on her hip and clomps around the house at about 60 miles per hour, using one hand to grab dirty laundry and throw it into the washing machine (she can also measure & pour liquid Purex with one hand into the wash); feed Spanky Mae her pug dinner; whip up dinner for herself and Daddy; and make me a bottle and/or oatmeal (not Quaker Oats). After the wine, Mommy sits on the couch and holds me in her lap. She doesn’t even mind when I tip the wine over if I reach for it while I’m on her lap. It’s like I have two mommies in one!
   
3. Crib soothers that play heartbeat noises work on daddies, too. When I was little and I cried a lot, Daddy would play heartbeat noises and set me in my crib. Then he’d lay on the floor in my room in case I cried and he had to get up again. Then Mommy would wake up at 2 in the morning and notice that Daddy wasn’t in their bed. She’d come to check on me and find Daddy balled up in the fetal position on the floor. Fast asleep with the heartbeat noises.


4. Fisher-Price makes great tunes. I figured out that when I yank on this one toy that dangles from my bouncey seat, it goes do-do-do do-dee-do-do do dee-do-do-do-do. I like to hear it over and over and over again. I never tire of it. Daddy said he wants to throw my bouncey seat through the window. I guess the music is so good that he wants to share it with our neighbors. That is so nice of Daddy!



5. After Spanky Mae licks your face, your mommy has to rub Purell antibacterial hand cleaner all over you and you smell like rubbing alcohol for a few minutes.


6. When you make spit bubbles while you have cereal (not Frosted Flakes) in your mouth, the cereal flies out all over the kitchen. And into Mommy’s lap and hair.


7. Pug toys look an awful lot like Allie toys.


8. Bath time is the best time because you get to inhale a bunch of air into your tummy and make it look bloated and then stare at it. If your Mommy puts your bathtub on the counter in the bathroom, then you also get to stare at yourself in the mirror and smile at yourself. You also get to kick and splash so that the water sloshes out of the bathtub and onto the carpeted bathroom floor. (Really. Who ever heard of putting carpet in a bathroom anyway. Yuck.)




9. People and pugs have lots of names. Here are all the names for me: Allie Pie, Allie Bear, Tooter Bug, Tooter Bear, Tootie Pie, Pieface, Pie Pie, The Face, Allie Bom Bom (this is what Miss Lucy, my teacher at school, calls me). Here are all the names for Spanky Mae: Spankles McFinklestein, Spankers, Spankers Crackers, Spankers Biscuit, Thpanky, Spankus, Spankus McClanahan.
   
10. Aunt Sandi doesn’t like crying. She gets scared that I’m going to break or something if I have to let out a little wail. Then she hands me back to Mommy or Daddy.